theshalom:

In case you haven’t heard the news, Los Angeles has launched an official “No Cussing Week” for the first week of March. The idea is the brainchild of Pasadena teenager, Hatch McKay.

When I first saw the news about No Cussing Week, I thought it was a joke. After reading the article, I responded by uttering a handful of expletives (rhymes with “shucking sea tart head”). My harsh reaction to the article made me pause and reflect for a moment. “Am I really this angry? Where have I gone wrong?” I dramatically whispered to myself while pensively looking into the distance. Then, I decided I would join the effort and try to go a week without my filthy pirate mouth.

While mostly successful, I’ve had a lot of close calls. Luckily, I’ve gotten pretty good at adjusting mid-curse and exclaiming a completely different, non-offensive word. Here are a few of my favorite mid-cuss improvs that have slipped out of my mouth the past couple of days.

• Funky bunch!
• Shipping and handling!
• Gobstoppers!
• Funyuns!
• Coxswain!
• Son of a bee sting!
• Mother superior!
• Flux capacitor!
• Shin splints!
• Asthma!
• Gulf of Mexico!
• Fur Elise!
• Bulldozer!
• Shittake mushrooms!
• Feng Shui!
• Go fun yourself!

Even though it’s been a struggle, I have to admit that it feels nice to use language that my grandmother wouldn’t be ashamed of. Well, assuming she wouldn’t be embarrassed by her seemingly insane grandson that yells out “Van Damme!” randomly throughout the day.

On a closing note, it should be mentioned that Hatch McKay is 15 years old. While many people will cite his admirable maturity and thoughtfulness towards his fellow man, I have to say that I will withhold my praise until his next birthday. Because at 15, this kid has yet to understand the frustration and anger caused by driving on a Los Angeles freeway. Seriously, kid. Let’s see if you can bite your tongue while sitting in traffic on the 405, and some dude in a gratuitously large truck nearly clips your Corolla because he changes lanes like a fucking asshole. Oh wait! I mean…like a fuhh…um…SHIT! Dammit, I give up.